In a world where expectations for mothers are sky-high, the weight of “mum guilt” can feel like an unavoidable burden. Society’s unrelenting pressure often paints a picture of the perfect mother, effortlessly juggling career aspirations with nurturing their children, all while maintaining a flawless facade. In all honesty, this is an impossible standard to live up to and one that can contribute to feelings of guilt, inadequacy, self-doubt, and burnout. The term “mum guilt” has become common among mothers worldwide. It encapsulates the myriad of emotions that accompany the challenge of balancing personal and professional aspirations with the demands of parenting.
It’s a complex phenomenon, one that transcends cultural boundaries and socioeconomic status, affecting the lives of mothers from all walks of life. Navigating through the emotions of mum guilt can be daunting, leaving many mothers feeling overwhelmed and isolated. Yet, amidst the chaos, there’s solace in knowing that you’re not alone in your struggles. If you’re experiencing guilt because you can’t be everything to everyone at every moment of every day, you’re likely grappling with mom guilt.
What is Mum guilt?
Mum guilt is a psychological response to the feelings of guilt and shame some people feel when they don’t live up to their own or others’ expectations in their role as a parent. It’s like an internal dialogue state that constantly tells you you’re failing as a caregiver. Balancing responsibilities towards children, partners, friends, colleagues, parents, and others while also attending to personal needs creates a constant juggling act.
When these competing demands vie for attention, choices must be made, inevitably leading to prioritization and the onset of mum guilt. This sense of guilt often stems from the belief that one should always prioritize their children’s needs above all else, fostering an incessant internal struggle to meet unattainable standards.
It encompasses various scenarios, ranging from missing significant school events due to work commitments to feeling guilty for indulging in much-needed self-care. Consequently, this internal conflict generates a whirlwind of emotional turmoil.
You don't ever balance it completely. Motherhood is a constant struggle of a little more time there, a little more time here, and feeling a little bit guilty all the time.
The emotional toll of Mum guilt
Many parents experience guilt, and it might help to remember that you aren’t alone. While guilt is common, it’s important to note that it can affect one’s mental health if it goes too far. The impact of mum guilt extends beyond mere emotional distress; it can significantly affect a mother’s mental health, well-being, and overall quality of life.
Persistent feelings of guilt can lead to heightened stress levels, anxiety, and even depression. Moreover, mum guilt can strain relationships, both with children and partners, as mothers may become overly preoccupied with making amends for perceived shortcomings.
Over time, unchecked guilt can contribute to burnout, eroding a mother’s confidence and even sense of self-worth.
If you are unsure if your guilt is problematic, you can look for the following signs:
- anxiety
- negative self-talk
- low self-worth
- negative coping methods
- poor mental health
- sleep disruptions
How to conquer feelings of Mum guilt
Navigating the complex emotions of mum guilt requires patience, self-compassion, and practical strategies. While it’s natural for mothers to experience feelings of guilt, it’s essential to develop healthy coping mechanisms to prevent it from becoming overwhelming. Here are eight actionable tips to help you navigate and mitigate the effects of mum guilt, empowering you to embrace a more balanced approach to motherhood.
- Avoid Comparison: Resist the temptation to compare yourself to other mothers or portrayals of idealized parenting styles on social media. And just as you shouldn’t compare yourself to other parents, comparing your child with others can similarly exacerbate feelings of guilt. Remember that every family is unique, and what works for others may not necessarily work for you. Focus on your journey and celebrate your individual strengths and accomplishments.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Give yourself grace and recognize that you’re doing the best you can with the resources and circumstances available to you. Acknowledge that perfection is unattainable, and be kind to yourself during moments of perceived failure.
- Set Realistic Expectations: Reevaluate your expectations of yourself as a mother by reflecting on your values and reframing your idea of what a “good parent” looks like or what they should be doing. Sticking to your parenting values and reframing your ideas around parenting can help you set realistic goals as a mum regardless of how anyone else makes you feel. Remember to always celebrate small victories, rather than fixating on unattainable ideals.
- Establish Boundaries: Learn to say no to commitments or requests that exceed your capacity or compromise your well-being. Setting boundaries is essential for preserving your mental and emotional health as a mum.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Make time for activities that replenish your energy and nourish your soul. Whether it’s indulging in a hobby, taking a relaxing bath, or simply enjoying a quiet moment alone, prioritizing self-care is crucial for maintaining your well-being and resilience in the face of mum guilt.
I truly believe that a happy, well-rested, well-adjusted, mum raises sane children.
- Ask for help: It really does take a village to raise a child and chances are, you’re trying to do more than is humanly possible. There is nothing wrong with asking for help from friends, family, and even colleagues. Whether you need to take a break or delegate some tasks to have more time to focus on other things, unburdening yourself can do wonders.
- Focus on Quality over Quantity: Shift your mindset from quantity to quality when it comes to spending time with your children. Remind yourself that the value of your interactions isn’t solely determined by the amount of time spent together but by the depth of connection and engagement.
- Find Yourself Again: Remember you had a life before becoming a mother. Take some time to rediscover your passions, interests, and sense of identity outside of motherhood. Reconnect with activities or hobbies that bring you joy and fulfillment, reminding yourself of the multifaceted person you are beyond the role of a caregiver. Embracing your individuality can help counteract feelings of lost identity and reignite a sense of purpose and self-worth.
If mum guilt is significantly impacting your daily life or mental health, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. Professional guidance can help you explore underlying issues, develop coping strategies, and cultivate a healthier mindset. Remember, you’re doing better than you think, and your love for your children shines through, even in moments of imperfection.
