In relationships, we sometimes find ourselves doing our best to show love and affection to our partner, yet at times the message does not seem to get home. This leaves feelings of frustration and even worse, potentially resentment that our partner is seemingly ignoring our gestures of affection. This the fundamental reason why it is so important that we understand the concept of love languages, which refers to the different ways that people express and experience love. Understanding you partner’s and your own love language is essential if you hope to build a stronger connection and a more fulfilling bond in your relationship.
There are five main love languages, including words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Each love language is unique and important in its own way and understanding them can help you tailor your actions and expressions of love to your partner’s needs and preferences. Moreover, knowing your own love language can help you communicate your needs and desires more effectively to your partner. We are going to dive deeper into each of the languages and along the way we will also provide tips on how to identify your own love language and that of your partner so that you can improve your relationship and deepen your connection.
Words of Affirmation
People with words of affirmation as their love language best receive love expressed through verbal compliments, validation, and appreciation. These types of partners appreciate frequently hearing “I love you,” and other expressions of love and appreciation in their relationships. For receivers of this love language it is important that they ‘hear’ your love, affection and support in order for them to believe it for themselves.
However, it’s important to also note that it’s not just about saying “I love you” but also about acknowledging and validating their feelings. As a supportive partner, you will need to speak genuinely from the heart and express empathy. For instance, if they have accomplished something, tell them how proud you are of them and how much you admire their hard work. When they feel that you appreciate them and notice their efforts, it goes a long way in strengthening your bond. Even consider writing an unexpected love letter or posting a love note on the fridge before leaving to work in the morning. Everyone loves to be publicly acknowledged, so compliment them in front of other people when out with friends.
Acts of Service
If your partner often uses phrases such as “you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?” or the common “actions speak louder than words”, then you can start to tell what their love language is. Individuals who receive love through acts of service value actions that show love and care. Partners like this appreciate acts of kindness, such as doing chores, running errands, and helping out without being asked. An interesting caveat when it comes to this language of love, is that the most powerful expression is often when things are done spontaneously or without asking – making them acts that supersede expectations.
When someone’s love language is acts of service, they feel most loved and appreciated when their partner does things for them that they know will make their life easier. It’s important to note that this doesn’t mean doing things because you have to, but rather doing them willingly and without expecting anything in return. For instance, if they’ve had a long day at work, offer to cook dinner or run an errand for them. When they feel that you are willing to make their life easier, it goes a long way in strengthening your bond.
Receiving Gifts
Partners who express love through receiving gifts value thoughtful and meaningful presents. These individuals appreciate gestures that show thoughtfulness and consideration. Sometimes this can be misinterpreted as being materialistic, however the reality is that gift-giving demonstrates one partners understanding of the other and what they need. Additionally, the receiver values the effort and time put in when selecting and getting a gift just as much as the gift itself.
For people who’s love language is receiving gifts, it’s not about the cost or extravagance of the gift, but rather the thought behind it. For instance, if they’ve had a rough week, surprise them with their favourite dessert or movie. When they feel that you are thinking about them and know what they like, it goes a long way in strengthening your bond.
Quality Time
This is one of the love languages that might seem the hardest to achieve in these hectic times. With time being a valuable commodity – “well, time is money”, special time can be a fleeting thought if not well planned out. Individuals who express love through this language value spending time with their partner, doing activities they enjoy together. These individuals appreciate undivided attention and meaningful conversations.
When someone’s love language is quality time, they feel most loved and appreciated when their partner spends time with them doing things, they both enjoy. It’s important to note that it’s not just about being physically present but also being mentally present. For instance, if they love hiking, plan a day trip to the mountains and spend the day enjoying nature and each other’s company. When they feel that you are willing to spend quality time with them, it goes a long way in strengthening your bond. Below are things to try to enhance the communication of this language:
- Turn off your phones when you are out together.
- Take a nap together—other activities are optional.
- Plan regular date nights.
- Consider a “chore date:” Turn boring errands into together time.
- Volunteer for a favourite cause together.
Key to note is that quality time is an intentional love language, it does not happen by chance. This is a decision that should be planned for to avoid life having its way with you! Time is only a social construct, but you can use it constructively to build the life you want.
Physical Touch
Partners who express love through physical touch value physical affection and intimacy. These individuals appreciate hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical touch. When they feel that you are willing to express your love physically, it goes a long way in strengthening your bond. Some signs do stick out if this is your love language:
- You feel loved, safe, secure and affirmed when touching (holding hands, hugging, massaging, kissing, etc.)
- You feel closest with your partner when you’re physically intimate.
- You show remorse, peace, truce or forgiveness by embracing after arguments or disagreements.
- You think that kissing is another way to say, ‘I love you.’
When someone’s love language is physical touch, they feel most loved and appreciated when their partner expresses their love through physical touch. It’s important to note that it’s not just about sexual intimacy but also about non-sexual touch, such as holding hands or cuddling. For instance, if they’ve had a tough day, give them a hug and let them know that you are there for them.
Importance of Understanding Love Languages
Understanding your partner’s love language is vital to building a strong and fulfilling relationship. It enables you to express your love in a way that resonates with them and makes them feel loved and appreciated. By understanding your partner’s love language, you can avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings, which can lead to conflicts and strain your relationship.
In an interview with Nation Newspaper, Benjamin Zulu (life coach and counselling psychologist) advises on below mindsets to approaching love languages in relationships:
- Understand what ticks well for someone.
- The language can change with time.
- Have a strong line of communication.
- Be significant to your partner (add value)
In conclusion, understanding your partner’s love language is essential to building a strong and fulfilling relationship. By understanding and expressing love in a way that resonates with your partner, you can improve communication, deepen your emotional connection, and increase intimacy. So, take the time to learn your partner’s love language and make a conscious effort to show them love in a way that resonates with them. It’s a small gesture that can go a long way in building a happy and healthy relationship.
